But is it Safe???

Last night I fell asleep with the tv on channel 1753. That’s FSDAHD. It’s the channel that the Rangers/Yankees game was on.

At 4 am I woke up to:

Pos-T-Vac
It’s a vaccuum erection system!

According to the guy on TV, I’m crazy if I don’t use it.

NO PILLS! NO DOCTOR VISITS!

It’s even covered by Medicare.

The guy says I can have my cake and eat it too.
Whatever that means.

Why take the best part of your life out of your life?

If you have a brain in your head call this 1-800-number.

Now, a new infomercial starts. This one is for Vacurect.

Hmmmm...It looks complicated.

It’s not a pill or an injection It’s a registered FDA Medical Device.

It requires no physical coordination to use it.  Oh good, because I’m a Klutz.

The Vacurect has a 96% success rate. The Pos-T-Vac only had a 95% success rate.

The Vacurect is from Bonro Medical.
They can’t fool me. Bonro is the misspelled anagram of boner.

There are 2 models:
RX Model 1001
OTC Model 1002

Restoring intimacy is just a phone call away. What are you waiting for?

WOW!!! You must have a Vacurect!

You Know You’ve Watched Too Much TV When…

...and the potato people have eyes ALL over their bodies.

I was watching some tv show the other night – it could have been Hawaii Five-0, but I’m not really sure. Anyway, somebody was giving out a phone number for some reason. It was 555-6161. I was like, “Hey, that’s the phone number that Bobby calls on the Brady Bunch when he’s trying to get on the Kartoon King show so that he can be in that ice cream eating contest”. It was also the Brady’s HOME phone number in one or two of the other episodes. They also had another phone number. It was either 867-0799 or 876-0799. I can’t remember which one it was. Anyway, that was the number the Jan gave when she called the operator and asked her to call back to see if their phone was working properly in the George Glass/ Jan’s fake made-up boyfriend episode of the BB.

This is creepy. On the Davy Jones (RIP) episode of the BB, Marcia goes to the Hank Colman Show at the tv studio because she thinks that Davy Jones is there. In the Slumber Party episode of the BB, when they are playing Truth or Dare, one of the girls asks another girl is she has ever been kissed by Hank Colman. Ewww. Inappropriate.

Another observation. The saleswoman who sells Jan the black wig in that one episode where Jan buys the black wig because she’s sick of looking like Marcia and Cindy is the same lady who is Marcia’s teacher in the Davy Jones episode. She must have been moonlighting or something. IDK.

Here’s another thing. In the Marcia makes over Molly episode (My Fair Opponent), Marcia refers to some girl as Patty Hobart, and Molly refers to her as Sally Hobart. I’m like, “Well, is it Patty or is it Sally”? Pick a name and stick with it. Gee whiz people.

Also, in that Romeo and Juliet episode where Marcia gets the role of Juliet and turns into an obnoxious prima donna, Jan and Peter get the roles of palace guards. Their line is “Hark, who goes there’?  You know what? I don’t ever remember that being in Romeo and Juliet. And I’ve read it like 5 times. Way to go BB writers. Teach kids incorrect Shakespeare why don’t you.

10 Things I Have Learned From Watching “Gilligan’s Island”

Today is Alan Hale’s birthday. He was the Skipper on Gilligan’s Island (in case you didn’t know). So, instead of posting about things I have learned from watching The Brady Bunch, I have decided to do a post about the things that I have learned from watching Gilligan’s Island.

In watching Gilligan’s Island I have learned that:

  1. If you are in a social situation with at least 7 people, there is always going to be one person who screws shit up.
  2. You can make a battery out of a coconut.
  3. There are never enough rocks to spell the word HELP when you need it.
  4. Movies stars sometimes go on 3 hours excursions with ‘normal’ people.
  5. If you take the boat out for a few hours, make sure you take a record player. You never know when you may have to put on a talent show or beauty pageant.
  6. Headhunters don’t speak English. The speak fake made-up gibberish centered on the words ‘OOGA’ and ‘BOOGA’.
  7. If you get hit on the head with a coconut you’ll see everything upside down.
  8. Passengers on passing ships never see or pay attention to people on a deserted island who are jumping up and down and waving their arms.
  9. Red berries are poisonous.
  10. Loose fillings can turn your mouth into a radio receiver.

10 Even MORE Things That I Have Learned From Watching “The Brady Bunch”

WOW! I can’t believe that this is the third post in this informative and life-changing series. Seriously, who would have thought that watching all of those episodes of The Brady Bunch would make me so dang smart. I feel like Einstein. Except for the science and math part, that is. Anyway, here’s MORE crap that I have learned from the show. I have learned that:

  1. Every time Marcia turns around they hand her a blue ribbon or something.
  2. George Washington and Marcia’s English teacher, Mrs. Denton, are very similar looking.
  3. If you dress like a hippie you get your own room.
  4. It only takes one weekend to turn the school’s homliest and most unpopular girl – who has absolutely no self-confidence – into the prettiest and most popular girl in school.
  5. If you’re going to tap dance in the kitchen, don’t do it when your dad is making a souffle.
  6. If you’re in a ghost town and you meet some old prospector who looks like a disheveled Mr. Howell from Gilligan’s Island, don’t follow him into the local jailhouse. 
  7. If some little kid named Oliver ever comes to live with you, then you should probably stay away from him. He’s a jinx.
  8. If you see a UFO in your backyard, it’s probably fake.
  9. If Vincent Price ties you up then you’d better tell him where you found that damn Tiki idol.
  10. You shouldn’t activate your fabricated haunted house until you actually KNOW FOR SURE who is coming through the front door.

10 Things I Have Learned From Watching The Brady Bunch
10 MORE Things That I Have Learned From Watching The Brady Bunch

10 MORE Things That I Learned From Watching “The Brady Bunch”

As stated in another post, I have learned a lot from watching The Brady Bunch. Here are 10 more things that I have learned. I’ve learned that:

  1. When the glue bottle says that it takes from 2-4 hours to dry, they really mean it.
  2. The word swiftly is used as an adverb in the sentence, “The boy ran swiftly.”
  3. The Hank Colman Show tapes its shows one day in advance.
  4. It takes less that 10 minutes to search an entire amusement park to find lost architecture plans.
  5. If you compete on a talent show, you’re probably going to lose to Patty’s Prancing Poodles.
  6. People who score essay contests can’t add.
  7. It’s probably not a good idea to wear a wig to Lucy Winter’s birthday party.
  8. If someone gives you a Tiki idol, don’t wear it when you go surfing.
  9. Flashlights are great for storing beans.
  10. You shouldn’t leave baked potatoes in the oven for 3 hours.

10 Things I’ve Learned from Watching “The Brady Bunch”

Forty + years of watching The Brady Bunch has really taught me a lot. I’ve learned that:

  1. A vertibrate has a back that’s straight.
  2. A parallelogram is a four-sided figure in which each pair of opposite sides remains the same distance apart.
  3. Baton Rouge is the Capital of Louisiana.
  4. Neat and Natural Hair Tonic turns your hair orange.
  5. If enough people from your family write to an advice columnist she’ll actually come to your house.
  6. Benedict Arnold walked with a limp.
  7. Chewing gum or running in the halls while Bobby is on Hall Monitor duty is probably not a good idea.
  8. A drosophilia has off-set eyes.
  9. Mice can eat through clothes hampers.
  10. It’s not the freckles, it’s just dumb old you.