Mrs. Denton Reviews “The Towering Inferno”

Today I thought that I would review a movie. But, not one of the new ones. Everybody’s seen those. No, I decided to pick one from back in the dinosaur days, even before disco was popular. I thought and thought and thought and finally decided on The Towering Inferno.

The Towering Inferno? What’s that about?

Well, here’s a brief synopsis:
It’s 1974 and a really big building catches on fire and a bunch of people get burned up. They eventually put the fire out by blowing up the water tanks on the gazillionth floor.

Even though I like the movie I do have some criticisms about it.

1. There’s just too many damned people in the movie.
Sure they’re all big stars and stuff, but how on earth am I supposed to keep up with everybody?

Okay, so is that the Mayor or the Bell Boy?
Is that the Mayor’s wife or the nurse from “The Poseidon Adventure”? Oh wait, it’s the same person.
Is that the Fire Chief or the Architect?
What’s Bobby Brady doing is this movie?

2. Robert Wagner and Robert Vaughn in the same movie is confusing.

I am Robert Wagner.

I always thought they were the same person. Now, it’s like, “Oh wait, they’re different people”. It’s NOT like the Patty Duke Show with identical cousins who are actually the same person, but not really. One was The Man From U.N.C.L.E. and the other was Jonathan Hart.

and I am Robert Vaughn

Anyway, they both die. Robert Wagner is too busy screwing that chick who plays Stephanie Forester on “The Bold and the Beautiful” (I forget her name), and doesn’t notice the smoke. When he does notice, it’s too late. He gets burned up trying to go for help. And Robert Vaughn. What a dumb ass! He tries to get Richard Chamberlain out of the rescue chair because it’s going to fall. Guess what? It falls, and so does Robert Vaughn. See ya. That’s what you get for trying to save the guy who was in charge of installing the faulty wiring that started the fire in the first place. Duh.

3. O.J. Simpson is in it.
If there’s one thing that the casting director of the movie WAS NOT, it’s prescient.

4. The people in the movie continually make stupid, dumbass decisions.

There’s a fire behind that door. Let me OPEN it.
A helicoper is about to crash on the roof. Let me run TOWARD it.
I smell smoke. Let me hide UNDER the bed.
The Fire Chief says that the building is on fire. As the owner of the building let me DENY that.

5. Jack Collins, the guy who played Mr. Brady’s boss, Mr. Phillips, on The Brady Bunch, is in it.

Well, hells bells Loretta, now I’m totally confused. A year ago you were threatening to fire Greg from his after school architectural job just because he lost some stupid blue prints that fell out of a delivery cylinder – which, by the way, was the same ugly-ass yellow cylinder that Jan lost at King’s Island Amusement Park – and NOW you’re the Mayor of San Francisco. I mean, the whole time I was watching the movie I kept thinking, Robert Reed should be the architect, not Paul Newman. Add Mike Lookinland, the kid who played Bobby Brady into the mix, and the whole Brady Bunch/Towering Inferno connection is just as confusing as when Mr. and Mrs. Howell from Gilligan’s Island showed up on The Brady Bunch. Seriously…first Mr. Howell is the old prospector that the Brady’s meet when they go to the Grand Canyon and then he shows up as Mr. Brady’s boss in the last season. That must have been when Mr. Brady’s REAL boss, Mr. Phillips, became Mayor of San Francisco.

Overall, I guess you could say that they movie was pretty good. I mean, it WAS nominated for Best Picture at the 47th Academy Awards. It lost to The Godfather Part II. As did Fred Astaire, who survived the inferno. He lost Best Supporting Actor to Robert DeNiro (The Godfather Part II). It DID, however, win Best Film Editing and Best Original Song. The other songs must have been really horrible because We May Never Love Like This Again SUCKED.

Anyway, there you have it. My review.